How many times have you asked the question – what’s wrong with me? We all have at some time or another. Whether it’s comparing our selves to others or an experience that wasn’t the same for you as a friend may have described, we find ourselves asking that questions many times in our lives.
Other ways we ask it: Why am I so different? Why didn’t I feel that?
I’ve begun to dive a little deeper into spirituality with a teacher who has been guiding me into meditation with mantra’s. If you’re not familiar with mantras they are essentially a verse or maybe just a word that you repeat many times.
It may be for a specific time period or they can also be repeated with 108 mala beads.
I’ve been working mostly with the beads but was given a longer meditation – 3 hours to be exact – with a particular mantra. Yes – you read that correctly – 3 hours!
There were specific instructions to follow like I had to be in nature and on the ground, I had to place my right hand on a yantra I had drawn and not remove it for the entire meditation and I was to repeat a particular mantra the entire time. This was going to take some psyching up! “I can do this!” I said to myself for several days!
When the morning arrived I made sure I had everything in place. My first concern was how on earth I was going to make three hours without needing to get up and pee. I decided that it was best to not have as much water that morning and I waited until after the meditation to have my smoothie. My second concern was how was I going to get comfortable in my body for that long on the ground. I decided to place a pillow under my head and a bolster under my knees. Now I was ready. At least I thought I was.
I’d like to think I have really let go of expectations. I was wrong. As I began, the first hour went by fairly quickly which surprised me. I could shift a bit to help my body stay comfortable without losing contact with the yantra my right hand was resting on. I didn’t need to pee – yet. But the second hour was a bit challenging and not for the reasons I was concerned with. I found myself actually feeling very irritated or even agitated I suppose. As I continued to repeat the mantra my mind was going into story about why I was not feeling bliss. Wasn’t I supposed to be having an out of body experience or be in a trance like state at this point? Even falling asleep would have been nice. None of that happened. I began to ask the question, “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I doing something wrong?” By the third hour I realized that my experience was not going to be “like everyone else.” I was having to work towards accepting that fact. This moment was going to be for me what ever it was going to be. This is my experience. Accept it. Trust it and just be with it. I can’t say that my irritability subsided but there was subtle shift within that allowed me to get through that third hour.
I still wish that something more profound had happened and maybe it did and it will come forth in due time. Meanwhile, I’m practicing letting go of the concern that I did it wrong and am finding acceptance that the experience was uniquely mine and therein lies the gift.
We are all unique individuals having our own journey in this lifetime. It’s not for others to tell us what our journey or experiences should be. It’s for each of us to decide.
Trust that what ever you are experiencing is perfect for you. Even if you don’t understand it now. Answers may come later or they may not. Can you find acceptance in that?
Peace and Joy,